Thanks to the COM352 students for contributing a bunch of new pages! I'll be moving these pages into the main area of the wiki soon.

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[edit] feedback: Ash introduces AmandaS

Hi Ash. Feedback commences immediately! Bold for grammar, italics for commentary.

Yes, AmandaS' has quite a story. The first few lines, however, are about you (not her), and - if this makes sense - the stance or tone you use throughout keeps the reader distant from your subject. The foreshadowing definitely piques interest yet readers then learn about Amanda, we do not 'learn Amanda.' You are most certainly not the only member of the class who has followed the traditional, chronological style of biography - is that form the best for this purpose? I am also struck by the contrast between AmandaS's emphasis on place in her recommendation for "The Contexts that Make Me" and the absence of place in the narrative. The juxtaposition of her reasoning with the substance of your narrative leaves me with two inter-related questions: have you over-prioritized the effect of this event in her life based upon your responses to her disclosure? Conversely, did the interview itself become the only source of information that you relied upon as 'data' or 'research material' on which to base the introduction?

Steph^(talk) 06:22, 2 October 2007 (EDT) {Note: feedback is not grading!}

[edit] The Stork Arrives Friday the Thirteenth

Had I ventured down another path in the journey of my life, I might not have had the privilege of meeting Amanda Spakanik. As I pondered the questions I would ask in my interview with Amanda, I found myself a bit overwhelmed as I listened to her speak about what I consider to be the most moving, near-tragic experience I have heard of in my life. Eight years ago, Amanda was faced with adversity that few people ever come to know. The near loss of both her mother and sister would dictate her priorities for the rest of her life.

Amanda began by telling me that she was born on the fourth of September at the Providence Hospital in Holyoke, Massachusetts. {The effect I experienced with this shift was disappointment: I was prepared to move immediately into a figural event and then learn how the subject has integrated its lessons into her life/living...} Amanda had lived in Springfield, Massachusetts with her father, mother, brother, and two sisters. Amanda was an accomplished third grader at the time. {"at the time" links to the opening, continuing its flow. In the current organization, "at the time" is ambiguous: does it refer to the time of her birth? the time when she lived in Springfield?} She became president of Student Council at Fredrick Harris elementary School; defeating the entirety of the fourth and fifth grade candidates who ran for the position. She continued schooling at Chestnut middle school, and later Central high school. {Again, a jump in time away from the main narrative - I've been led to curiousity about effects on her presidency and school performance...} Now she sits in front of me in the Blue Wall at the University of Massachusetts. I could tell by the solemn look on her face that the story she was about to tell would be unsettling for her to speak about. {Two points, ending with a preposition is a standard no-no. More importantly, if the story is - in fact - "unsettling" for AmandaS to tell, then I would want you, as writer/biographer, to make some meaning out of the fact that she chooses to tell!}

Amanda, in third grade, had just gotten off the bus from another day of school. {See, I do know that you are actually attempting something rather sophisticated: you are interweaving two trains-of-thought, telling two "different" stories simultaneously. I am not necessarily encouraging you to relinquish this strategy! What I am suggesting, is that the details of the second storyline are possibly not the details which best illuminate AmandaS' character.} She was accustomed to her mother’s daily embrace outside the door, but once at home, her mother was strangely absent. Amanda hurried anxiously to the door, hoping to find her mother inside. Upon entering the room, she was relieved to hear her mother’s voice. When I asked what happened next, Amanda replied that she remembered her mother’s words exactly. {Here, a third storyline enters, invoking a third timeframe - that of the interview.} “Amanda, sit down with your brother and sister…I have something important to tell you.” She took off her backpack and took a seat in between her siblings. “Kids what do you think of having another baby brother or sister?” Amanda was enthusiastic at the thought of having another sibling. She had always enjoyed helping her mother take care of her younger brother and sister. Months of anticipation and preparation for the baby came to follow.

Sixth months had passed since the day Amanda’s mother announced that she would be having a baby. In school that day, she {AmandaS' mother?!} received an A+ on her science project and was eager to show her family. For a second time, her mother was nowhere to be seen. {You are trying to shift from third-person narrator to first-person perspective!} She hurried to the door only to be greeted by her aunt. Confused, Amanda questioned where her mother was. Her aunt was visibly distressed, as she explained {use active not passive voice} that her mother was fatigued and in strong pain throughout the day and was rushed to the hospital by Amanda’s father.

As Amanda would later learn, there had been some complications in the pregnancy and her doctor had been monitoring her for months. The placenta, an organ designed to provide nourishment and oxygen to the baby {nice inclusion of specific, clarying detail!}, was separating from the lining of the uterus; this potential division placed both the lives of mother and child in grave danger. With her mother hospitalized, Amanda and her two siblings stayed with their aunt for what they were told would be two short weeks. Her father stayed with her mother in the hospital, coming home for a few hours every couple of days to check on the kids. Two weeks became four weeks, which in turn became six. Two months later, Amanda was still living with her aunt while her mother maintained her prolonged stay in the hospital. Over time, she had taken on much of the responsibility of her family’s well-being. Amanda tried her best to keep her siblings’ minds off their hospitalized mother and sister, especially when she learned that her mother was scheduled for a premature delivery to protect both her life and that of her unborn child. {Was this focus also a distraction for AMandaS, herself? Here is a place where you could delve into her responses/coping mechanisms/fears (?) etcetera; instead of a (superficial?) account of what her actions, could you relate those actions to her internal, subjective state-of-being?}

The day of the delivery, Amanda and her siblings waited anxiously by the phone for a call from the hospital. As they were about to sit down for dinner, they received a call from their father saying that the doctors had decided to postpone the procedure till the next day. {Again, what was the effect of the postponement, of the additional waiting? And how does all this play out in AmandaS' life to come? What differences in her person, character, ambition, etc., can you attribute to the fact or features of this event? It seems - based upon her academic and political success as a third-grader - that shew as already a pretty-well-put-together kind of person...?} Friday, February 13, 1998, the Spakanik’s welcomed the newest edition to their family. Months of agonizing wait and worry concluded with the birth of a healthy baby girl. {The "wait and worry" has been left at the level of implication. This strategy can work for/against knowledge of the character of your subject.}

The near loss of Amanda’s mother and younger sister forced Amanda to shoulder many responsibilities not commonly tackled by ten year olds. {diction: nothing in the narrative indicates "force"? Yes, the event was uncontrollable, but AmandaS' responses to it are presented as voluntary.} She took the initiative in helping her family in their time of need. To this day Amanda uses her experiences to help her move forward in her life. She takes every new responsibility with the same integrity she showed during her mother’s pregnancy. She is the young woman who sits in front of me in the Blue Wall at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She is Amanda Spakanik. {The notion of integrity (as in, the demonstration of) could be the second storyline that you intersperse with the drama of the main theme...?}

Ash 16:02, 25 September 2007 (EDT)

[edit] chat

Honesty is a starting point. Real writing often begins that way, with "not knowing." As one writes, one starts to discover what one knows, and from that basis, what one wants to convey. THEN you get to rewrite (!) with clarity of purpose.

Meanwhile, your "title" lets me know that you feel ok with not knowing, and that you have permission to express yourself openly. These are important skills of self-authorization.  :-)

Steph^(talk) 09:39, 15 September 2007 (EDT)