Thanks to the COM352 students for contributing a bunch of new pages! I'll be moving these pages into the main area of the wiki soon.

From UMassWiki

Dear Neil,

With each additional paper that you write, I learn more about your writing style. Your writing appears to be improving and seems to be more concise. I noticed how the extra fine-tuning of your essays goes a long way. With the help of your peers, you were able to edit your papers much more efficiently. Some parts of your writing also seem to be unchanged. You like to get straight to your point, and you don’t beat around the bush. I also found new things in your two recent papers. You seem to pay much attention, possibly too much attention, to your given tasks. When you write you shouldn’t focus on fulfilling an assignment’s tasks, you should focus on sending a message to the reader, while accomplishing your tasks. After reading your first paper about your identity, I noticed how you had a lot of information about your topics, but it wasn’t too concise and things may have been repeated. This problem has significantly improved within your last two papers. Repetition of words or sentences isn’t nearly a problem as with your first paper. Your last two essays were shorter in length, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing because they are also more concise. Every sentence is new information learned that was not said in any previous sentences. This makes reading your paper easier because otherwise the reader may go back to reread a section of the paper. You also used to excessively exaggerate in your first paper, by often saying “very.” Although it is appropriate in certain cases, it is a powerful word that isn’t meant to be used too often. If it were used often, that would depreciate its value, in terms of the strength that it brings to a sentence. Although a lot of your writing seems different and matured, some things remain unchanged. I feel that you write very directly towards your point. Instead of focusing more on the flow of the essay, you like to get straight to your point. Sometimes this isn’t a bad thing because it catches the readers’ attention right away, but it is also good to introduce your subject more before you get into it more deeply. This provides a better context for your subject, and the reader may feel anxious to read what you have to say because he/she would have to wait longer to really get into the subject matter. When you write to fulfill a task, it is noticeable because every paragraph will seem alike and as if they are only meant to complete your assignment. If you write more openly to the reader, then they will feel more comfortable and will enjoy reading it more. I also noticed several new things in your essay. In your “Hunger as an Ideology” essay, you make it very interesting to read. You write very mysteriously and throw the reader off guard, which makes reading your paper much more enjoyable. You write as if you are disagreeing with Bordo throughout the whole paper by hinting that possibly she is too harsh on other women for being so shallow and only caring about looks, but in the end of the essay you tie everything together and say that you agree with her and you show your true beliefs on the situation. You state that society has become so shallow and obsessed with looks, that it is even deadly from the use of steroids and through eating disorders. This was interesting to read because you surprise the reader, and it was unexpected. You should take what I have said to you in this letter into account for when you write your fourth paper. Bring out your strengths and make them more noticeable, and lessen your weaknesses. If you want to throw the reader off and make him/her question their thoughts about your beliefs, you can add more twists to your paper. When they think they have an idea about you, shift your thoughts and make them reconsider their assumptions. Also don’t write with the mindset that you need to fulfill an assignment. Write as if you want to send an important message to the reader, so that your paper will be more sophisticated and flow better. It is important to know that additional sentences don’t always make your essay better. In fact, it can damage your paper due to repetition and redundancy. Readers hate having to reread sentences that were already said, but are just in different wording. It bores them because they are not obtaining any additional new information. I hope you gain something from my thoughts about your essay, and hopefully your fourth essay will be even better than your previous ones.

Sincerely, Neil Dias

--ndias 13:21, 28 November 2006 (EDT)